Navel-gazing and self-image
Dec. 8th, 2014 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mala_14In the fine tradition established by a number of people on my friends list, I am being self-reflective lately.
I haven't been able to help noticing that lately (maybe the past year or two), I just haven't felt that great about my physical self (and I guess emotional/mental self by extension). Lots of things in my life are good and going swimmingly, like school and family and friends. But, in spite of this, I just don't feel good about how I look. I've never felt like I'm a beauty queen or anything, but I think I developed a pretty healthy body image and felt like there was nothing wrong with how I looked and, when I felt like it, I could put in a little extra effort and look pretty darn fab. All of this confidence has disappeared somehow and I think it's a combination of things.
1. I put on a bit of weight. Nothing huge, just a couple of pounds, but when you're used to weighing the exact same for over a decade (with a couple temporary decreases in weight), it felt strange. It felt foreign to be a different number than I was used to seeing on the scale. And I'm short! And, as a sewer, extremely aware of my body, which I make clothes for. So any extra weight was very noticeable to me. I've become reconciled to the new weight over the last month or two. It's my new weight. It'll probably be my weight for a long time. We're acquainted now and making friends. It's ok.
2. I got older. I'm not old, but I'll be 29 in a couple of months, which means I'm almost 30. And that number is something of a landmark. I won't be a 20-something soon. At school, most people are younger than me. When I hang out with my boyfriend's friends, most of them are younger than me, particularly the girlfriends of his friends (who are often in their very early 20s). I don't feel as youthful. My body is starting to feel old, like it aches and these couple pounds don't just disappear. Five years ago I had no trouble being a fun party girl when I wanted, dressing up sexy and going to the bar, and reconciling this image with the hermit, stay-at-home-and-read-or-sew me. I did it all. And now I don't.
3. I'm in a relationship. This ALWAYS makes me feel weird about myself. This is only my second real relationship. I'm used to being on my own, a lone wolf, an individual. I don't know how to think about myself if I'm part of a couple. Being in a relationship means compromises and caring about somebody else's opinion of who you are. I used to feel just fine shrugging off other people's opinions of me; this is who I am and if you don't like it, too bad, was my attitude most of the time. I know my boyfriend loves me and thinks I'm all kinds of awesome...
But I don't feel that way anymore about myself. I don't have a cut and dry solution. I have a very few ideas and that's about it. They are:
1. Get exercising. This means stretching and working out. My body has aches and pains because I sit around in front of the computer all day. Once the thesis is done, I can get back to doing things and physically feeling better.
2. Put in some effort. I like to be really low maintenance, but I think I might have taken it too far. Wearing sweats and pyjamas most days because I'm writing and don't have to leave the house probably doesn't help. I'm growing out my hair, but I could still get a haircut. Or curl my hair. (I used to do that, even when my hair was longer and would have taken way more time to curl.) Maybe some more stylish clothes? All I know is I don't feel like putting in the effort, but maybe putting in the effort will make me feel like it.
Any ideas from my friends out in LJ-land? I know some of you are going through the same thing. What works for you?
I haven't been able to help noticing that lately (maybe the past year or two), I just haven't felt that great about my physical self (and I guess emotional/mental self by extension). Lots of things in my life are good and going swimmingly, like school and family and friends. But, in spite of this, I just don't feel good about how I look. I've never felt like I'm a beauty queen or anything, but I think I developed a pretty healthy body image and felt like there was nothing wrong with how I looked and, when I felt like it, I could put in a little extra effort and look pretty darn fab. All of this confidence has disappeared somehow and I think it's a combination of things.
1. I put on a bit of weight. Nothing huge, just a couple of pounds, but when you're used to weighing the exact same for over a decade (with a couple temporary decreases in weight), it felt strange. It felt foreign to be a different number than I was used to seeing on the scale. And I'm short! And, as a sewer, extremely aware of my body, which I make clothes for. So any extra weight was very noticeable to me. I've become reconciled to the new weight over the last month or two. It's my new weight. It'll probably be my weight for a long time. We're acquainted now and making friends. It's ok.
2. I got older. I'm not old, but I'll be 29 in a couple of months, which means I'm almost 30. And that number is something of a landmark. I won't be a 20-something soon. At school, most people are younger than me. When I hang out with my boyfriend's friends, most of them are younger than me, particularly the girlfriends of his friends (who are often in their very early 20s). I don't feel as youthful. My body is starting to feel old, like it aches and these couple pounds don't just disappear. Five years ago I had no trouble being a fun party girl when I wanted, dressing up sexy and going to the bar, and reconciling this image with the hermit, stay-at-home-and-read-or-sew me. I did it all. And now I don't.
3. I'm in a relationship. This ALWAYS makes me feel weird about myself. This is only my second real relationship. I'm used to being on my own, a lone wolf, an individual. I don't know how to think about myself if I'm part of a couple. Being in a relationship means compromises and caring about somebody else's opinion of who you are. I used to feel just fine shrugging off other people's opinions of me; this is who I am and if you don't like it, too bad, was my attitude most of the time. I know my boyfriend loves me and thinks I'm all kinds of awesome...
But I don't feel that way anymore about myself. I don't have a cut and dry solution. I have a very few ideas and that's about it. They are:
1. Get exercising. This means stretching and working out. My body has aches and pains because I sit around in front of the computer all day. Once the thesis is done, I can get back to doing things and physically feeling better.
2. Put in some effort. I like to be really low maintenance, but I think I might have taken it too far. Wearing sweats and pyjamas most days because I'm writing and don't have to leave the house probably doesn't help. I'm growing out my hair, but I could still get a haircut. Or curl my hair. (I used to do that, even when my hair was longer and would have taken way more time to curl.) Maybe some more stylish clothes? All I know is I don't feel like putting in the effort, but maybe putting in the effort will make me feel like it.
Any ideas from my friends out in LJ-land? I know some of you are going through the same thing. What works for you?
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no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:05 am (UTC)Yep, I'm right there with you. I think you're pretty, young, thin and fabulous, so I was surprised to hear you say these things about yourself! But, I know we feel what we feel, and the feelings are real.
You are going to be fine! Just find a moment of strength to get the ball rolling, and you will feel so much better for it, on all fronts. You saw the lengths I had to go-- hopefully you'll have an easier time of it! Love ya!
no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:10 am (UTC)I used to think all those things about myself too. It surprised me when I realized that I didn't anymore. Thanks for the support and words of wisdom! It helps to know that other people were feeling the same way, even though they are super awesome and fabulous. I guess we just all go through weird times.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:14 am (UTC)